The Look

If you have a wife or a mother, you've been a recipient of The Look. There is no easy way to describe it, but if a woman in your life has given you The Look, you know it.

My mother is a master of The Look. I knew that expression about the same time I could walk. I'd get The Look when I didn't do my chores or homework and any time I asked something so obvious that answering the question with anything but The Look would lower mom's IQ. I still get The Look from mom. I can anticipate it coming sometimes. I'll even ask a dumb question now and again to see if she's still got it. She does. Just ask my father. He'll holler a question from another room and if he doesn't get a response in the appropriate amount of time, he'll ask "honey, are you giving me The Look?" My father spends a lot of time muttering to himself.

My wife has mastered The Look too. She gave me The Look at a family dinner once and my mother commended her on her execution. "Excellent," she said as they gave each other a look-its a special look that those who possess The Look's powers knowingly share with each other. My wife has trained the kids to respect The Look; they'll scurry to comply with her "requests" when they feel The Look burning into their flesh. I am the recipient of a different, yet equally powerful Look. It accomplishes the same thing, but has much broader connotations.

I have my own look. It works on the kids, sometimes better than my wife's Look (kids are smart, they know I'll just sic mom on them if they don't comply-plus I use EXTREME VOLUME if they don't comply with my look). If I give my wife my look, she'll either say "don't give me your look," or she'll counter with her Look. When matched against the wife's Look, my look only "wins" about 15% of the time. Even when my look "wins," I'm not sure I do.

Our military should research The Look. If it could harness its powers, our government would save BILLIONS on high tech weaponry. They could simply send in infantry who'd give The Look to the enemy and send them running out of their foxholes to surrender in inexplicable panic and shame.

Since I have four daughters, I have observed them trying their own Look. My 14 year old has the facial expression down but her Look has no power over me. She gave me her Look this summer at my parents house and after I dismissed it, my mother congratulated her on her execution. "But it will never work on your father," she said as she gave me The Look, "at least not from you." Woe be her future husband-she's been trained by masters. The younger girls are practicing their Looks. I think it'll be a few more years until they can execute it at the level of the 14 year old though.

There is no defense to The Look. You can ignore it, fight it or comply. Whatever you do, it will always be there.