In a strange way, I'm going to miss George Bush....
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
A Dog a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
******DISCLAIMER******
I'm not a doctor, but I've watched them on T.V.
******DISCLAIMER******
The Hot Dog is a much loved food item. When prepared properly, they are a uniquely delicious delicacy. To experience the truely authentic hot dog, you can't get them any old place. Don't ever buy a hot dog at a gas station-the kind you'll find there have most likely been sitting in the little "roll-o-matic" for weeks. Hot Dogs at Baseball Parks are also over-rated; I've been to Fenway (duh), Yankee Stadium, Jacob's Field, Riverfront (old Cincinnati Reds Park), and Camden Yards and I have yet to find a good hot dog at a ball game. Youth sport venues also have some pretty crappy hot dogs, but at least you know you're helping some youth sport league while you poison yourself with some lame skinless frank. To get a truly great hot dog, you need to seek out the local hot dog "joint." The Hot Dog Truck falls into this category, so when in the area.....
But I digress-
Yes, hot dogs are yummy. They also get a bad rap as (gasp) "junk food." Obviously, the folks who label hot dogs as "junk" haven't read THIS. While I do eat a dog or two on most work days, I rarely take my work home with me. Maybe I should....
So I say-eat up those hot dogs and live healthy! Two dogs a day keeps the doctor (and the hungries) away!
What dating was like in 1961 . . .
It's the summer of 1961 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mom! It's the 'TWIST'! It's called the 'TWIST'!"
Words to live by...
Stumbled on HERE.
Words to live by...
THESE ARE GREAT Sayings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
PC Cartoon
"Politically Correct" is ruining lots of things. You can't speak your mind without offending someone these days it seems. It even extends to kids; one misplaced remark, forgotten item or silly cartoon can get a kid suspended from school! While I don't think we should all run around hurling slurs at each other, the PC movement is getting a little out of hand. It is a trend in which I have chosen not to participate in.
In yet another late night stumbling session, I came across this cartoon which kind of sums it all up.
Little Golden Books
I always wonder where some of the funny emails that make "the circuit" come from. Many of them get lifted from websites and forwarded along. I have seen many sites with content I recognized because I got it in an email. I found this here.
Amusing stuff.
Little Golden Books That Never Made It:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Hits and Mythes
The somewhat twisted humor of mxi is back at Hits and Mythes, quite possibly the funniest blog on the 'net, or at least from Edmonton. Fans of the sometimes incoherent explanations of everyday mysteries will be glad to know the blog is back after a nearly 3 month hiatus.
Fart humor aside, I'm glad Hits and Mythes is back. Canadians, after all, are usually funny.
The Three Stages of a Man's Life
My dad sent me this one today....
I can identify!
SINGLE
MARRIED
DIVORCED
Jeff Redeemed
Jeff from Horizon Technology has been taking some abuse at work and its all my fault. I had promised to put his photo on the site and he bragged to everyone at work that he was going to be a celebrity.
Kevin (from yesterday's post) and I colluded to keep Jeff's photo OFF the site to see how many times he'd ask about it in a week (he asked three times) and to see how much heckling he would take from the guys in the California office (they have nothing better to do than read the Hot Dog Truck and keep Jeff from working).
So the goof was complete yesterday when I published Kevin's photo BEFORE Jeff's. A good laugh was had by all.
So without further ado, here is Jeff eating a hot dog:
After seeing that picture, maybe I was providing a public service by NOT publishing it!
High Times at The Hot Dog Truck
Today was a gorgeous day, 70 degrees and the hot dog lovers are coming out of the woodwork!
This lovely Red Sox fan was havin' a good day!
Here's another happy Sox fan with "Red Sox" spelled in Japanese on his shirt. (Further translation found the shirt to say "My mother dresses me funny"). This guy's buddy is a former Hot Dog Man from Worcester. I guess that makes me "the Hot Dog Man's Hot Dog Man!"
Fred from Coldwell Banker is a hard core, year 'round regular. Here he is enjoying his standard "two all around brown" dogs. Fred owes me about $320.00 for STRAWS! (Straws are 8 bucks at the Hot Dog Truck and he never pays). Fred is going to be PO'd when he sees this picture!
Here's Fred's lunch: YUMMY!
The good weather means the folks at BOSE finally crawl out of their cubes and come on down for hot dogs. BOSE World HQ is right around the corner from my truck. When the picnic tables are out, they conduct meetings there! This guy bravely takes a bite out of a chili dog for the camera. I must say people look pretty goofy eating hot dogs!
These two guys (also from BOSE) are regulars but they tend not to venture out on the REALLY COLD days. The guy on the right gets two RED and WHITE dogs (Ketchup and Mayo). There really is no good explanation why someone would put ketchup and mayo on a hot dog-there must be some trauma in his childhood manifesting itself by ruining good hot dogs with KETCHUP!
The guy on the left switches it up a lot-sometimes going for a burger, sometimes dogs. Today he got two BLONDS (Chili, Onion and Mustard). This hot dog name is courtesy of a gal from LA who suggested that name here (she's sooo naughty!) Many people who work at BOSE are also musicians and guy on the left is too. He's in a Grateful Dead
For Battle of Bloggers
I go to a site called Blog Explosion to have the Hot Dog Truck "battle" other blogs. Basically you match up against another blog and people vote on which Blog they like the best. The winner wins credits and basically feels good about themselves.
I have developed a set of criteria on how I vote in these battles:
I'll vote for a blog if it:
makes me laugh;
gives me new news or information I'm interested in;
has pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women;
informs me about a new way to make a buck online;
rants intelligently about any sort of scam or injustice;
is about hot dogs;
has cool pictures;
has a cool layout;
has heartfelt personal stories that are well written; and
has pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women
I won't vote for a blog if it:
has detailed information about American Idol-if I gave a crap, I'd just watch the flippin show;
is about the New York Yankees-the Yankees Suck;
has mommies complaining about their children-I have five kids, your life sounds like a friggin vacation to me;
hasn't been updated recently-if you have time to set up battles maybe you ought to try and post something new, maybe some pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women;
takes FOREVER to load-come ON, get a new host please;
has the words "loose" and "lose" or "looser" and "loser" confused or misspelled- don't get me started;
is clearly written by a teenager-if I want that kind of drama and angst I'll read my daughter's diary;
is a blog that consistently kicks my ass in Blog Battles-this causes a conundrum sometimes because the blogs with scantily clad (even nekkid) women usually kick my ass;
attempts to preach or lecture at me-I have a wife, an ex wife and I go to church on Sundays- 'nuff said; and
it is about the New York Yankees-did I mention they suck?
If both blogs in the battle suck:
I choose the one with the less offensive color scheme unless both blogs are about the Yankees in which case I'll just go back to the Battle Page without voting.
NBA or NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse!
7
have been arrested for fraud !
19
have been accused of writing bad checks!
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses!
3
have done time for assault!
71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit!
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges!
8
have been arrested for shoplifting!
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits!
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year!
Can
you guess which organization this is?
Give
up yet?
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
Your tax dollars at work.
For All the Folks at Horizon Technologies
OK SO I SCREWED UP THE COMPANY NAME, so sue me.... Apparently the company name is Horizon Technology, not Horizon Technologies. If Jeff didn't talk with his mouth full, I'd have gotten it right. I just hope Jeff annunciates better when he's making his sales calls.......
There's this guy, Jeff, who comes by the Hot Dog Truck 3-4 times a week (hey, he knows where to get the best lunch in town!) I must say he's a trooper-out in rain, snow, wind, cold and sunny days (like today). He works at Horizon Technology in Framingham, right around the corner from the Hot Dog Truck. He gets two "All Around" as a rule, though one time he had the Sausage when I had run out of Hot dogs! 
While he does like the food, he mostly comes by to get away from his slave driving sales manager and the relentless, productivity killing and harrassing phone calls from the boys in the home office out in Lake Forest. It seems the Hot Dog Truck has become a bit of a company cult classic as Jeff constantly raves about the delectable dogs he so frequently snarfs down. While I haven't seen Hans yet, 
I hope to meet more of the gang at Horizon and hip them to the joys of the best damn hot dogs on the planet! For all you guys at the Home Office, enjoy the pics of Jeff's thrilling, favorite lunchtime spot!
Can you beat this price? I DON'T THINK SO!
Who's on First? Computerized
Another funny one making the email rounds....
For those who remember Abbot & Costello and their great "Who's on First" comedy sketch, hope you enjoy this modernized version.
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?", might have turned out something like this:
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott.
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT T: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my comput er and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything
I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy mone y?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START."
Hot Dog Nitty-Gritty
Of course, some things appear when the snow melts that one might rather not see. Sorry, kids!
Only a bit of paint flaked off the truck but left some interesting results. Here flakes have added itself to a graffiti design. Can you read the writing on the truck??
A weird scene on a Southborough, MA sidewalk...Every picture has a story, don't it?With a wink and a nod to otilius ;o)
Monday Musings
I was just thinking....
is winter really over or are the weather gods teasing us with the idea of crushing our spirit once more before spring really begins?
if the Red Sox and Yankees play a baseball game tonight that doesn't count, how many fans will care?
do blondes really have more fun?
why do people buy ice cream in the winter and coffee in the summer?
if you water your plants and they still die, is it your fault?
if men think of sex every 7 seconds, how do they get anything done?
when someone says "smoke em if ya got 'em," are they trying to hurt me?
if you give up booze for lent, will God get mad if you get really sh*tfaced on Easter Sunday?
why do some people act like they've never actually had to think about what to put on a hot dog?
how come the people who complain the loudest about how something works usually haven't read the directions?
if 2+2=4 and 4+4=8, why is 6 afraid of 7?
why do teenagers know everything except how to clean their room?
why did Ben and Jerry's sell out?
if I write "Super Bowl" on this Blog, will the NFL sue me?
if the NFL sues me, WTF would they do with a Hot Dog Truck?
when people type "lol" are they really laughing out loud?
why does neatness count?
if everyone who reads this Blog sent me a dollar,would I have $13 or $14?
how come I only get laid when my wife wants something?
why can't I get the "Green Acres" themesong out of my head?
how long will it be before the Anna Nicole Smith story is a bad movie?
if pizza tastes so good cold, why do we cook it in the first place?
has there ever been a President dumber than George Bush?
does anyone want to buy a used Chevy Suburban?
when you die, do you really get all your lost socks back in heaven?
why don't they invent beer flavored cough syrup?
who was the first guy to eat an egg and why would he want to eat something that came out of the ass end of a chicken?
can anyone tell I don't have any ideas today?
Harrassing Yankee Fans
A regular came by today I hadn't seen in a while and we were talking about how the Red Sox are out spending the Yankees this year. The evil empire has always outspent every other team and it appears they're scaling back. Who can blame them after Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano and A-Rod. What has it gotten them? Well, they haven't won a World Series this millennium; maybe the Yanks are revisiting how to build a team.
I really believe the Yankees are due for an implosion this year. The Yankees are going to fall victim to their own excesses in 2007. With a string of failed free agent signings and a pitching staff that can't measure up to the Red Sox, they will be lucky to come in second place in 2007. Mariano Rivera is griping about his contract and it isn't even spring training yet, Joe Torre is showing signs of being frustrated, A-Rod is on TV saying the love is gone between him and Jeter and Andy Petit won't live up to his legacy. While the Yankees will have a powerful batting line up, they won't be able to close the deal as in years past.
I predict A-Rod will be dealt by the trading deadline, Joe Torre will be fired and Petit will be on the DL. Red Sox take the AL East by 4 or 5 games.
Back to my customer: He has a son-in-law who is a Yankee fan living in Vermont. Poor deluded man. He apparently gets a lot of grief from just about everyone in his life. I intend to pile on here! We started chatting about how we treat Yankee fans. Personally, I grew up with the "old" Red Sox: break yer heart every time. Yankee fans were a constant source of pain and harassment-their arrogance and superior attitude were exceeded only by the success of their team. Thank God that era is over and my children won't have to grow up with the same inferiority complex that plagued me through my fortieth year.
So I was telling this customer how I treat Yankee fans these days. Customers wearing Yankee apparel must pay a two dollar surcharge for their meals and be subject to any abuse I hurl their way while serving up their delicious dogs. A boy at my daughter's middle school actually trashed his Yankee hat in favor of a Red Sox hat because he got tired of me calling him out when I was picking her up from school; his dad thanked me at a school concert for doing what he had been unable to do! Then there was the kid who wore a Yankee hat to his first practice as a member of my Little League team-after he finished the 5 laps around the field I made him run, he swore he'd never wear the hat to practice again (he didn't). And there's the bag boy at the local market who always wears a Yankee hat-I asked to speak to the manager and the manager said we could take him out back and rough him up a bit. When I see someone wearing a Yankee hat at our beach, I tell them they need to remove it-"club rules." My customer's son in law was told by his boss not to wear his Yankee hat to work if he wanted to keep his job!
The collective consciousness of Red Sox Nation is getting its revenge for years of abuse and we're not shy about letting our feelings be known. I don't intend to let up on Yankee fans-at least not in this millennium.
Lug Nuts anyone?
An example of a situation where the use of profanity is completely acceptable.
Try your own caption here.
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