My dad likes sending jokes to me in my email box. I think he secretly wants me to post them here. Most of them aren't so good that I'd rush out and publish them, but this one made me laugh out loud for real:
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for four decades she had 'charged' him for sex; these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing all these years, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
A Funny Email from Dad
Another Funny one from dad's email
An oldie but goodie:
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?
I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.
He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, today is Friday, if you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never heard before -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused--then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
English lesson from dad's email
English lesson for the day:
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she, asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Priceless Times at ASW
PRICELESS
A Guy's Fairy Tale
Here's another gem from Dad's Emails:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Why I am Divorced
Another classic from my dad's email:
Why I am Divorced:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
Rapper 50 Cent Tour Dates
Best Blonde Joke Ever?
Even Mrs. Hotdogman (a natural blonde) loved this one. This is one of Dad's emails:
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE ???
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... ..
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Hockey Mom
Q: What is the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?
A: One is a vicious, bloodthirsty animal that will rip your throat out,the other is a dog.
Men Jokes
All in good fun...
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
What dating was like in 1961 . . .
It's the summer of 1961 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mom! It's the 'TWIST'! It's called the 'TWIST'!"
Confession Joke
Little Patrick O'Toole, an altar boy, goes to see Father O'Callahan for confession. He sits in the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"And what is your sin, boy?"
"I have been having impure relations with a girl from our Parish."
"Ah. That is a problem lad. Pray tell me the young lass' name."
"I am sorry Father, I cannot do that."
"You realize I will probably find out anyway, boy. I would like to know so I may help the young girl as well."
"I am sorry Father, I cannot."
The priest begins to think of all the girls in his flock who may be guilty of such an indiscretion. "Was it Mary Fitzpatrick?"
"I cannot say, Father."
"Perhaps it was Margaret Sullivan?"
"I cannot say Father."
"Maybe it was Alice O'Rourke?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Sally O'Brien?"
"Father, I cannot say. I cannot betray the girl."
The priest is exasperated and decides to mete out the boy's penance. "Since you have confessed to such a serious sin and since you won't confide the young lady's identity to me, you have given me no choice: you are hereby suspended from your duties as an altar boy for a period of three months."
Young Patrick leaves the Church to meet his friend, Sean O'Malley outside.
"Patrick, what did you get?"
"Three months vacation and four good leads."
Great Joke for Married Couples
I got this one via email from a friend. This is my wife's new favorite joke!
A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,
"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"
Basic Instructions
I take a peek at a site called Basic Instructions now and again for "advice" on everyday matters. I am a big "there's something on your shirt" guy- I am always getting my kids- so I really liked this strip.
When I try this gag on my oldest, I get her about 75% of the time. My son has a near 100% success rate. My 10 year old won't look down in my presence at all, even if I'm not trying the gag!
The good news is I have a three year old to continue this gag with, at least for a few more years....
Cell Phone Returned to Ref
If you saw the Pats vs. Colts game (which my Patriots WON), you'll get a kick out of this one:
According to Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe, as the teams were leaving the field
after last Sunday's game, Randy Moss found a cell phone on the floor of the tunnel to the visitor's locker room at the RCA Dome.
He immediately recognized it and returned to the field to give the phone to rookie
referee John Parry.
Parry was grateful to get his phone back, but inquired of Moss how he had known who the phone belonged to.
"Easy," Moss told him, "I just looked at the display. It said, 'Nine Missed Calls.' Figured it had to be yours..."
Punny but True
There is a lot of construction going on to the roads in my community as a result of a new mall development. One of the "concessions" the town got the developers to agree to was to pay for granite curbing and expanded sidewalk construction for the streets in neighborhoods in the "entry zones" of the new mall. The concept is that granite curbing and wider sidewalks provide a more residential feel and subconsciously cause drivers to drive slower.
Sounds good to me and it will make those neighborhoods more safe and attractive.
Other neighborhoods in town are also eligible for granite curbing and wider sidewalks on a "first come, first served" basis until the funds for construction provided by the developers runs out. Neighborhoods must organize and present proposals to the planning board according to a predetermined set of criteria. There is a deadline on presenting proposals and the sooner a proposal is submitted, the sooner that neighborhood will receive the funding and approval for the construction. Once the budget is exhausted, there will be no more sidewalk widening or curbing installation under the auspices of this particular program.
It just goes to show you, the early word catches the berm!
The Three Stages of a Man's Life
My dad sent me this one today....
I can identify!
SINGLE
MARRIED
DIVORCED
For Battle of Bloggers
I go to a site called Blog Explosion to have the Hot Dog Truck "battle" other blogs. Basically you match up against another blog and people vote on which Blog they like the best. The winner wins credits and basically feels good about themselves.
I have developed a set of criteria on how I vote in these battles:
I'll vote for a blog if it:
makes me laugh;
gives me new news or information I'm interested in;
has pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women;
informs me about a new way to make a buck online;
rants intelligently about any sort of scam or injustice;
is about hot dogs;
has cool pictures;
has a cool layout;
has heartfelt personal stories that are well written; and
has pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women
I won't vote for a blog if it:
has detailed information about American Idol-if I gave a crap, I'd just watch the flippin show;
is about the New York Yankees-the Yankees Suck;
has mommies complaining about their children-I have five kids, your life sounds like a friggin vacation to me;
hasn't been updated recently-if you have time to set up battles maybe you ought to try and post something new, maybe some pictures of attractive, scantily clad (even nekkid) women;
takes FOREVER to load-come ON, get a new host please;
has the words "loose" and "lose" or "looser" and "loser" confused or misspelled- don't get me started;
is clearly written by a teenager-if I want that kind of drama and angst I'll read my daughter's diary;
is a blog that consistently kicks my ass in Blog Battles-this causes a conundrum sometimes because the blogs with scantily clad (even nekkid) women usually kick my ass;
attempts to preach or lecture at me-I have a wife, an ex wife and I go to church on Sundays- 'nuff said; and
it is about the New York Yankees-did I mention they suck?
If both blogs in the battle suck:
I choose the one with the less offensive color scheme unless both blogs are about the Yankees in which case I'll just go back to the Battle Page without voting.
Who's on First? Computerized
Another funny one making the email rounds....
For those who remember Abbot & Costello and their great "Who's on First" comedy sketch, hope you enjoy this modernized version.
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?", might have turned out something like this:
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott.
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT T: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my comput er and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything
I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy mone y?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START."
Hot Dog Nitty-Gritty
Of course, some things appear when the snow melts that one might rather not see. Sorry, kids!
Only a bit of paint flaked off the truck but left some interesting results. Here flakes have added itself to a graffiti design. Can you read the writing on the truck??
A weird scene on a Southborough, MA sidewalk...Every picture has a story, don't it?
